Vol. 50: The Right Choice Trap
On pressure, perfection, and showing up anyway
Note: Keep an eye out for footnotes. They’re fun, silly, and could be informative :)
Dear Hungry Starving Reader,
It’s been a long time since I last wrote one of my musings. Months during which many momentous things happened. I got engaged (!!!), launched a second Arena Men’s Group, and signed a publishing deal for mine and Nick’s book: The Men’s Group: A Novel of Messy Friendships.
At various times, I thought I would recap these huge, exciting events—each one so many years in the making. But whenever I came to my office on one of those quiet Mondays where I had no meetings,1 I couldn’t find the willingness to return to the page. Something held me back. Whether it was the litany of admin work I needed to do, stress about all three of these wonderful developments, or simple avoidance… well, I’m sure it was a combination of all three.
Nevertheless, here I am now, typing away, letting the words flow, and doing my best not to listen to the little voices in my mind telling me they’re not quite perfect enough for this return to the philosophical dining table where ideas, thoughts, and emotions are devoured in place of delicious cuisine.
There are many directions I could take this musing. Indeed, one reason I’ve avoided returning to these pages is because I began to put immense pressure on myself for each entry to be somehow more profound and well-written than the last. This has been the theme of the past few months.2 I’ve noticed the immense pressure I put on myself to always be one-upping where I was just moments ago in almost every part of life—the immense pressure to choose the right words, ask the right questions, pause at the right moments, know the right answers, and so on.
This search for “rightness” is an unsustainable way of working and living. Yet, when I’m stressed, looking for the right choice hovers at the forefront of my mind like an ever-present push notification on my phone—alarm red and intrusive. It’s there, reminding me that I must make the right choice.
So many times, I’ve said to myself and my clients:
“There are no right or wrong choices. There are only the choices we make.”
A part of me believes this. Another part doesn’t. Which one is larger (and louder) depends on the day, how much I’ve slept and eaten, and how fast or slow the subway is running.3 Regardless, the part that doesn’t believe this is always convinced there’s a right choice in each moment that I need to make to be the man I want to be.4
And, even as I write this, I’m doing my darndest to find a different topic for this musing. To find the transition into something profound or inspiring. This feels too heavy, too dark, too vulnerable, too… real.
And, yet, I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this. I see it time and again with the clients I work with. I see it with my friends when we’re talking about our lives over beers or ramen. I see it in the men’s groups I run and am part of where men peel back the masks they put on each morning in order to be seen and see the universal experiences we all carry.
This year, I’m focused on not letting this pressure to perform weigh down my life. I know it’s an ongoing journey. One I’ll likely be on for the remainder of my days. But if I can take off even 10% of that pressure, well, that will make a huge difference.
So, here’s to the return of The Hungry Reader. I hope it’s not The Starving Reader for much longer.
Warmly,
Coach Jake
Today’s Beautiful Question
“What kind of pressure do you put on yourself to make the right choices? How does it impact you”
Maximum Value Practice (MVP)
No MVP this week :) That’s in the spirit of taking the pressure off! Enjoy yourselves! Go out in the snow, read a book, call a friend. Just enjoy.
Reply to this email or message me in Substack to let me know how it goes!
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I made a choice a couple of years ago to sequester Mondays away from meetings to focus on admin and writing. I stick to it… for the most part.
Probably my whole life in one way or another. I did run track and field for eight years, during which it was my literal goal to one-up my time from the week before :)
Along with many, many other environmental factors that are always influencing the way we feel and think.
And, more often than not, to continue being the man that I am… which is a doozy.
Welcome back! Hunger sated :)